February 11, 1995 – Saturday – 11:45 p.m.

This day is over.

I slept in this morning.  Then for lunch Charlie and Steven and I went to the Big Chill.

At 3:00 this afternoon there was a work call for all Performing Arts students to help with the One Act sets.

Jeni was there.  She doesn’t call me.  She doesn’t seem depressed.  She actually seems to have a grip on things.

Truthfully, I’m a bit shocked.

I’m glad she is moving on.  It’s hard to explain why everything happened between us.

I suppose it was just one of those things.  They come and go.

When I look at her, I don’t find her beautiful anymore.  I know that a small part of me will always value her and our time together, but that part of me is the past.

We had planned out a future together, but that future is also a part of the past.

I’m sorry Jeni.

Tonight Charlie and Steven and I went to see a movie called Billy Madison.  At least I think that is what it is called.  It was funny. I laughed my head off.

Amongst our conversations tonight, Charlie brought up Veronica so I had to explain it all to Steven.

And his response was, “Well, just stay away from Laura.”

I laughed.

The other night on our way back from sledding, Steven and Charlie were walking ahead.  Laura and I were walking further behind a little slower and talking.  They noticed and then began throwing snow balls at us.

But what I had with Jeni is not what I am looking for.

What I really want is simply another Ryan or Christi.  Someone I adore, but we are only friends and everything is simple.

Ryan and Christi have both lasted.  I couldn’t ask for more.

I know that I said this past summer that I wanted to fall in love, and I did, but love isn’t all there is.

There is another thing.  It is called “like.”

I loved Jeni, but there were many times when I did not like her or to be around her at all.

There was never a day when I did not like Ryan or Christi.

I want someone to like.

Someone to talk to.

I found myself thinking of Laura today.  And I dreamed and I wished.

This was my dream:

It was a warm breezy summer evening.  I was over at their house and Laura and I had taken a walk up to the top of the hill near their house to watch the sunset.  We had been talking for the longest time about so many simple things.  

And then, as the sun was halfway down, I said, “Laura, this has been the greatest night of my life.  This warm summer air.  This beautiful sunset and you, next to me.  I’m so happy.  I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.  I could stay this way forever.”

“Me too,” she said.

And then I looked at her and I saw her smile.


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