February 7, 1995 – Tuesday – 8:00 p.m.

Tonight I have been trying to get in touch with some old friends.  The only people I talked to were Ryan and Amy.

I love them both.

Ryan says that she would like to go to Appalachian State University.  That would be awesome if she was there.

My Winter Dream would be so close to me.

She says she wants to come up and see me.  She has an uncle up here that works on Sugar Mountain.

Today I learned a valuable lesson.  What I tried to do on December 30, 1994 did not happen.  It could not happen and it will never happen.

My past is me.

Who I was then is who I am now.

And who I will be in the future will be the sum of me then and me now.

I will never forget.

I am unable to.

I know that sometimes in my Book of Days I contradict myself.  I think that one thing will last forever, but then soon I will not want it to last forever.

Not many things will stay constant.

Only one will.  Only my God.  He will never change.  He will always be there.

Things are changing though.

Look at Jason.  He was here, but not he is gone.

Jeni and I were forever, but now it is obvious to me that we are not.

At times I hear God telling me things.  But as I grow older, I’m beginning to understand the difference between his true voice and my own voice telling me things I want so badly that I falsely believe it’s God voice.

Jeni is in Boone now for some meeting.  Her mom made her a Valentine’s Day dress and she got it in the mail today.

I miss the way Jeni and I were, but I think it all goes back to what I said a long time ago.

Why have something special and romantic for a season, when you can be friends for a lifetime.

But is that reality?

The never-ending Canon in D.

Will it ever stop?

It may not, but it may, and I can say that I’m glad I do not know yet.

I don’t want to know.

There is no fun in knowing.

God, send me on an adventure; an adventure to do your will.  Fill it with excitement and please find joy in my smile, because it is you I am smiling at.

Only you.

Your love.

Your amazing greatness.

I don’t want to be here Lord if I can’t please you in the process.

I adore you Lord.

I want you more than anything and I need you more than anything.

You are what matters.

It’s your opinion I want to hear.

You know all the answers.

You are the greatest!


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