February 4, 1995 – Saturday – 1:40 a.m.

I am in a deep.

I am down too far.

I can’t swim.

I’m sinking.

I have put this off for too long.  I have tried not to write about it, but now I must.

Jeni and I have had some problems.  It just seems like we have been drifting apart this past week or so.  We are never overwhelmingly happy when we are around each other.

It is a very long story and I will continue it after I’ve gotten some sleep.

I’ve gotten some sleep.  It’s now 8:00 a.m.

Let’s continue.

Ever since the mission trip to Albany, GA things have been bad.  Then we went home and things were good again because we had that talk about how close we had gotten physically.  We decided to back away.  There were times when Jeni and I would be making out and she would simply take off her shirt.

WHY!?  I didn’t ask her to do that.  I didn’t want that.  Of course, my body did, my flesh did, but not me.  Not my soul!  Not my spirit!

I was the one who brought it up back home and I thought it was taken care of, but it wasn’t.

It happened again once we returned to school.

And then it happened again.

“STOP IT!” I hollered inside.

That is only a part of it.  There is a lot more.  Although I love her very much, Jeni has been in such a bad mood these past two weeks.  All she ever says is that she wants her mommy; that she wants to go home.  She say that in one sentence and then she’ll talk about marrying me, and being my wife, and making love to me and what we will name our children.

That made me feel uncomfortable.  I would go along with it just to please her.  It’s the same thing with our physical closeness…I would go along with it because I thought that was what she wanted.  It’s like she’s insecure or something and trying to use her body to hold onto me.  I never wanted to be with her because of her body.

She would get so jealous if I talked or laughed with another girl.  She would get upset if I went out with Charlie or did anything but wait patiently for her while she was in dance class.

She would complain if I went over to Kristi’s room to play Donkey Kong Country.  Yet, whenever I was over in her room, we never did anything fun.  I just sat there, bored out of my mind, listening to her talk about wanting to go home.

Truthfully, I felt trapped.  I felt pressured.

I still feel trapped and pressured.

But there is still something else.  Remember how I told you this skit group at Heaton is beginning?  Well, it made me think of home.  It made me think more about one person than I had been.

To tell you the truth, it all goes back to what happened on May 8, 1993.

That weird feeling hasn’t gone away.

Also, what I wrote on February 13, 1994.

That one flower still hasn’t faded away.  All of the others have.  But she is still alive in my heart.  I even wrote her a letter yesterday.

But why am I thinking this way?  What can’t I be happy with Jeni?  Why do I still want Christi?

Jeni and I had a long talk last night.  I shared with her how I felt pressured and trapped.  I said that I needed her to lighten up and that I needed a little space.  I said that all this talk about marriage and naming our children is making me uncomfortable.

That killed her.

She said that becoming a wife and mother was her calling and it would kill her to not be able to talk about that with me.  I didn’t know what to say, so I said that I wasn’t going anywhere.

It’s like I want Jeni simply to be with me while I’m at school, but then have Christi afterwards and forever.  I told Jeni that we need to realize that the chance of us not being together forever might happen.

She said that if we both wanted to be together forever, then nothing would stop us.

Last night went on like that for a long time.  I would say one thing and she would say another.

She was in tears.

My eyes were dry.

She didn’t want to lose me.  She got down on her knees and begged for God to let her have me.

Yet, during all of this, I was thinking of Christi.

I was so mad at myself.

What was I doing?

What was wrong with me, I wasn’t making any sense.

Jeni said that she thinks it is better to have never loved at all, than to have loved and lost.

I told her that I felt like I was wasting her time.  But she says that she doesn’t want anyone else.  She only wants me.

She was crying and screaming, curled up in a fetal position on her bed.  I was so afraid that other girls were going to come knocking on the door to find out what was wrong.

So, I went against my will and I put on a mask.

I became a good actor.

We went for a walk in the winter wonderland outside and she was happy.

Yet, I was fighting a war inside my soul.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

Jeni knows nothing about Christi.

Show me what to do God.

Show me who to love.

This is really difficult for me.  I need you.

Christi, where ever you are, I pray you have a wonderful day.

Perhaps this is the legend of my fall.

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