November 14, 1994 – Monday – 4:00 p.m.

Today marks the 2nd Anniversary of when I started writing this journal, My Book of Days.  However, this anniversary came on the day after I visited my old life, my old home, my past.

I went home this past weekend for the first time in two and a half months.

If Jonathan did go home, then I couldn’t get in touch with him.  I did however, see Marcus, Peter, Kevin, my family, Ryan, Amy, Cheryl, Jenna, and Tenielle, plus everyone at church.  Christi and her family weren’t home.

Tenielle said that the saddest day of her life would be the day I left.  On that day, she did not cry, nor did I.  But on the day I came back we both had our share of tears.

We were at their house on Saturday night.  It was I, Marcus, Wayne, Jenna, Tenielle, Tracey, and Jeni.  We were playing spoons.  Everyone was full of laughs.  Near the end, as we were about to leave, my eyes caught Tenielle because her eyes were glued on Jeni.  When I looked from Tenielle and glanced at Jeni, Tenielle turned and looked at me.  When our eyes made contact, she immediately got up and went into her room.

After a few minutes I followed her in there.  She was on her bed writing something.  I said, “Hey girl…”

She said nothing and then got up and locked herself in the bathroom.

I left the room and told Jenna what happened.  She tried to talk to her, but got nothing out of her.  After a while I went and knocked on the bathroom door.

“Tenielle, can I come in and talk to you?”

A note was pushed under the door.  I picked it up and read it.

Dear Jacob,

Hello.  You are at my house right now.  I came in my room.  I wish you never went off to college.  It seems like I now I can’t talk to you anymore.  You’ve got a girlfriend and you’ve got everything you’ve ever wanted.  It seems like you don’t care for us anymore; that we can’t have any fun anymore.  I wish you were this happy before you left for college.

Please remember me.


Love you,


I asked her if I could come in and she unlocked the door.  I went in.  She was curled up on the floor in a fetal position.  She was crying.

I sat next to her and said this:

“Tenielle, I am very happy and I have been blessed, but one thing is not right.  You and Jenna aren’t there to experience everything with me.  And I was happy here with you, it’s just that Kevin and Marcus and Jonathan got in the way of what we had.”

I asked her to give me a hug.  She did and we held each other for a few precious moments.

She later told me that that was the best hug she had ever received from anyone in her life.  I kissed her on the cheek and we talked a little more.  She seemed okay.

But that night, after we had been back home for a while, I told Jeni about it and she saw the pain in my eyes.  So she held me like she does so well.  Every memory of Jenna and Tenielle rushed through my mind.  I tried to hold it all in.  I tried not to think.

All those VIP nights.  All the Christian Skate Nights.  All those nights at youth group.  All those days at their house, in the back yard, on the trampoline.  Everything.

I couldn’t take it anymore.  I cried and cried.  I let it go.

Did all of that really happen?  Did I really have the most perfect friendship with two beautiful girls, so much so that it will haunt me forever?

Those two beautiful flowers will continue to grow; only this time on their own.  And I’ll only stop by and experience their beauty, their love, and their friendship…only once in a while.

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