August 21, 1994 – Sunday – 1:50 a.m.

I’m sad.

And I’m mad.

I came to Sanford alone this morning (Saturday).  Marcus was coming on his own in his car because he got his tags and his license.  But his car messed up so he stayed at home all day.

Band Practice was fun.  I was there with just Pastor Steve, Elliot, and Carol.  We talked about different stuff in-between songs, it was nice.  They are great people with a lot of wisdom.  Pastor Steven even asked me if I approved of a way they did a song.  He asked for my opinion, about music, isn’t that great?!

I went over to Shurby’s where Kevin and Jonathan were.  Then Jonathan and I went down to Jenna and Tenielle’s so he could get his haircut and see them before he leaves.  The four of us had fun.  They gave me a birthday card with coupons in it, allowing me a free hug from both of them whenever I wanted one.

While all of this was happening, I didn’t realize that this was the last full day I was going to spend with Jonathan.  We went back to Shurby’s around 3:00 p.m. and stayed there until youth group.  Kevin drove Jonathan’s car back home to get ready for college.  He is leaving later today (Sunday).  

Tim lead youth group.  A lot of very young and immature boys were there so it really got on my nerves, but other than that I really learned a lot.

After youth group, Jonathan and I plus Cheryl, Ryan, Amy, and their cousins rented two movies, ordered some pizza and watched the movies at Cheryl’s house.  We rented Cabin Boy and Reality Bites.  I called mom and told her what we were doing.  But she said I had to be back by 12:30 a.m. so we only had time to watch one movie.  We picked Cabin Boy which is easily one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.  Had I known that, I would have voted for Reality Bites.

Jonathan and I drove home and well, it finally hit both of us.  He has been a great friend of mine for over six years, since he and I were 12-years-old.  We are now 18.  This wasn’t suppose to happen.  I wasn’t suppose to make it this far.  I never dreamed I would really grow up one day.

As we drove home, one part of our conversation really hit me.  This is what Jonathan said, “You know Jacob, really, right now, I’m sick of just dating people.  I want.  I want to fall in love.”

“Bingo.” I said.

And it’s true.  I’ve never been “in love.”  I love, but I’ve never been “in love.”  And I want to meet someone where it just happens and not a word has to be said because it is written in our eyes.  I want someone to let me know that they would go with me through the unknown I’m about to enter into.  

Who will go there with me?

Who will?

As Jonathan and I got closer to my house, we each felt the sadness grow.  We pulled in the driveway and sat still.


Then he opened the door.  I did the same.  I stood up outside the car and said, “Why does this crap have to happen,” and I slammed the door shut.

Tonight again I was with Cheryl, Ryan, Jonathan, and others just like last Saturday.  Those friends did last until the end.  Everyone did.

Tonight at home, Marcus came over to talk to me.  I had nothing to do with me, but he just wanted me to understand what he’d been going through.  I felt sorry for him.

Tomorrow is my last Sunday.

A fellowship is tomorrow after church.

What Jonathan goes through in a few hours, I will go through in a few hours plus seven days.


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