June 9, 1994 – Thursday – 11:59 p.m.

This day will be over in one minute.  Oh God, please let a new day begin so this one will only be in the past.  Then I can begin to forget this day and have my whole life ahead of me.

Never before have I not wanted to write about a day’s events.  But that is not fair to you, even though at the moment even thinking about the day feels like its killing me.  But I will write and I’m sure I’ll learn from it later.  I have to.  This couldn’t have happened for nothing.

It began on December 8, 1993.


For God to teach me something.

Today at Graduation practice I sat next to Deanna because her last name is after mine in alphabetical order.  Earlier, Marcus came up to her and was just messing with her.  She told him to get the blankety-blank away from him.  While we were seated, she told me that she couldn’t stand Marcus at all.  They used to be good friends, but Deanna said it stopped after he asked her if she would be his first and when would that be?  And then Dawn said that he said the same thing to this little Freshman girl.

I couldn’t believe it.  Deanna doesn’t lie.  She might curse, but she doesn’t lie.  I tried to forget about it.  Marcus does flirt and he does joke around.  Perhaps they just took it the wrong way.

Anyway, the Senior Picnic was cancelled, so we went straight to McDonald’s to get Kevin.  He wasn’t ready to get off yet, so we went to Jenna and Tenielle’s house.  Cheryl showed up.  Wayne and Misty were already there, but even more people were coming later.  

After a while, Kevin called and I went to get him and then we came back.  He and Tenielle spent the whole time together.

In one of Tenielle’s letters to me, she said that since I was leaving for college she should talk to me more.  But today, anything she said to me was just a nosy question.

Jenna and I were okay for a while.  We were okay the whole time.  I guess it was just me.  I say we’re just friends, but I keep wanting more in my heart.  Stop it Jacob!  You’re only hurting yourself!

Joel came.  Then Scott.  Then Tim.

Joel does like Jenna.  As does Marcus.  And then there’s little me.

This was supposed to be a party for Marcus and I, but when we got there everything was normal.

Cheryl and Jenna and I went for a walk and they told me that it was all set up just to play a trick on me; a trick to make me think that they were throwing us a party.  And Jenna gave me that direction page on purpose.

I felt so terrible.  And there they were laughing about it.  I felt stupid, uncared for and unloved.  After our walk, I took my poor little body and fell down on Tenielle’s bed and tried to sleep next to Tyler, one of the little babies their mother babysits.

It felt good to get away.

When I woke up, they had a cake out and cards from everyone; some even with money.  I still felt mad and I still felt stupid.  I saw then that they just really wanted it to be a surprise, but did they have to make me feel like an idiot just to have their surprise?  The cake made everything a little bit better.

We went swimming.  I guess it was fun.  But near the end of the day, I would look around and see Tenielle with Kevin, Jenna with Marcus, and myself alone.  That evening we played Monopoly and there were seven other guys there in Jenna and Tenielle’s house.  


It used to just be me.  It started out with only me, but now I am leaving the picture.  On the way home, Kevin and Marcus were talking in code to each other, but I figured out what they were saying.  Marcus did ask Jenna out, but she said no.

I guess that’s good for me.  Not that I want to go out with Jenna, but if she would have said yes, it would have really hurt.

Anyway, out of all the mess of the day, I did have a good talk with Jenna.  I asked her if she felt like she was in the wrong place and that there was more waiting on her?  And then for one day, all of that perfection seems to find you and everything comes together, but then the next day it’s all a big mess again and nothing makes sense?

She didn’t know what I was talking about.  I told her that this is not me.  The Right Now is not me.  This is not who I am suppose to be.  There is more.  And I haven’t found it yet.

Before we left, I was on the trampoline alone.  Jenna and Marcus were together and Kevin and Tenielle were together.  I looked up at the stars and I sung a song from The Lion King:

“Can you feel the love tonight?  The peace the evening brings?”

No, I couldn’t.  But I felt it when it used to be just the three of us on that trampoline.

It is, however, now 12:40 a.m.

It is Friday!  Another day!

Yesterday is in the past.

I will find myself one day soon.  The sad thing is, I want it to happen here.  Here is my home where I’ve lived for 12 years.  I want it to happen here so everyone can see me grow, but it doesn’t look like it will happen here.

But hey, it’s the law of undulation right?  We will still have fun and we’ll still have sorrow.  

I’m just sick of letting it all go to my head.


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