April 23, 1994 – Saturday – 10:45 p.m.

It is taking everything in me not to burst out in tears.

I did not see Tenielle nor Jenna, they did not read the letter I wrote yesterday in my journal.  And unless things change, they probably never will.  Last night Kevin came back with his roommate.  He called Tenielle because he said that he would call her at 7 o’clock.  He called her at nine.  She had been waiting the whole time.  They talked for forty minutes.  Their mom…

You’ll have to forgive me, but it really hurts to go into detail.  I’ll just get to the point.

Ginger, Jenna and Tenielle’s mother, doesn’t like Kevin and she definitely doesn’t like Kevin around her daughters.  She thought Kevin and Tenielle were already having a relationship because they wrote each other letters like twice a day.  She read those letters.  Nothing mushy, but they definitely like each other.

Kevin is 19.  Her daughter is 12.  And now, thanks to how my brother called her three times today and said things like, “your mom should let us go out as long as Jacob is with us because your mom trusts Jacob,” Jenna and Tenielle are not allowed to come to church anymore.

My brother feels terrible.  This is all his fault.  He should have known better.  So they liked each other; who cares!

Age does matter.

I learned that the hard way.

Although I liked Jenna and Tenielle, I never really wanted a relationship with them because they were too young.

And now look!

You cannot blame Ginger.  If I was in her position, I would do the same thing.

All that stuff that I said in the letter was half fake.  I don’t feel that way.  It was a cover up.  A mask.  To hide how I truly feel: mad and sad!  I see my brother having conversations with Tenielle like the way we used to talk.

I won’t see them tomorrow.  I can’t imagine how Tenielle feels, or Jenna.  Jenna had nothing to do with it.  It all happened because two immature people couldn’t control their emotions and now it has affected the whole world.

If they don’t come back to church then they will most likely backslide.  That can’t happen.  I will see what I can do.  This chapter has not ended.

I must attempt to save the world again.

Besides that, today was okay.  I ran into Christi as Wal-Mart after skit practice.  She told me Jason was back for the weekend.  I stopped by to see him.  He is not the same person.  He is not as fun-loving as he used to be.  We talked some.  Then I left.

Whenever Christi saw me at Wal-Mart, she just waved and was going to walk on by.  I had to stop her to talk to her.  Hmm.  Goodbye Christi.

One thing I told Jason was that at first I didn’t want to go off to college because of the church and because of my friends.  But each day something breaks down and the Lord shows me each day that I cannot stay here.  Jason said that was good in a way.

Tomorrow will come, along with sorrow.  Jenna and Tenielle won’t be at the Carman concert.  They won’t be at Carowinds.  I forgive my brother, but this should not have happened.  I don’t know what to think.  I don’t know how to feel.

Christi is gone.  Ryan is gone.  Amy is gone.  Anne is gone.  Now Jenna and Tenielle are gone.

Will someone else come along?  That doesn’t matter.  What matters is that I get through tomorrow.  If I have to, I’ll put on a mask, pretend to be happy and just keep me and my emotions safe.

Time is passing.

Thirty days of school.

Oh God, will I ever find blessing in the heartache?  Why is this happening?  You see all!  Where will this end up?  Please keep this safe.  Let your will be done.  And thank you Lord for not letting me make this mistake four months ago.

Somewhere out there, someone is wishing on the same bright star I am.

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