December 18, 1993 – Saturday – 11:53 p.m.

Today, our youth group had a hayride at a local farm.  The youth group is not the same anymore.  It will never be the same again.

We met at noon, about 12 hours ago, at the church.  The only people from the original youth group that were there were Me, Marcus, Scott, Amy, Elizabeth, Laura, and Tim.  Everyone else was new; like Veronica, Sherry, and Wayne.

On the way there, I sat with Veronica on the bus and retrospect happened.  I don’t miss it, but I remember everything like it was yesterday.

When we got there some other people came to the farm later on.  One group was Shar and Tenielle.  It was good to see Tenielle.  It told her I read the letter.  She smiled and backed away, but then I told her that I wouldn’t judge her.  She was a little shocked I think.

The hay ride went about four or five times with only six people on each time.  I planned it to where I was riding with Tenielle, Shar, Wayne, Sherry, and Veronica.  I was in the back and everyone tried to push me out.  And they actually did once.

We ate later and then picked pecans.

I had a wonderful day.  Tenielle is a sweet girl, but today I saw her immaturity and her 12-year-oldness.  And even after seeing that she’s still a fun person to be around.

I slept on the way back.

And when we got back to the church, something happened.  Something that hit me like a ton of bricks.

Everyone was going to their cars and leaving.  Amy went to her and the car drove off.  Tim said, “Oh, Lord…Ryan’s driving,” as the blue station sago left the church.


It hit me.  Ryan was there.  She was at the church.  And I didn’t see her.  I didn’t know she was there.  I was too busy saying goodbye to Tenielle and Sherry and everyone else.  I didn’t talk to her.

She used to be on my mind every second of the day, but for the past two weeks, she has hardly entered it.

I turned when Tim said that and as the car was leaving I realized what happened.

And it scared me.

This was never supposed to happen.  I was never supposed to get over her.

Mr. Benton told me once that on thing that is assured to happen in my life is change.

I’m afraid he was right.

Ryan…where suddenly have we gone?


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