October 3, 1993 – Sunday – 10:15 p.m.

Today I realized something.  It is fine, I guess.  Something I had to find out eventually, before I made a fool out of myself.

But it still hurts, even though I’m glad it happened.

We arrived at church late this morning.  Everyone was there.  I went back to Children’s church.  Christi and Ryan and I talked about how youth group used to be and how it is now.  Huge difference.  Life is changing, just as the leaves are outside.

I was going to go with Jonathan to take Kevin back to school, but they kept Children’s Church late so they left without me.  Instead, I went with Ryan, Amy, Cheryl, and Christi to Mr. Gatti’s.

We all got a buffet and sat down to eat.  We continued our conversation from before.  But then, an elderly gentleman, whom I don’t know from Adam, came up to me and said, “Young man, how in the world did you four of them to come with you?”  He pointed at the four girls surrounding me.

I laughed and said, “Well, we are all just friends.”

“When I was your age, I had a hard time getting just one to come with me.”

I said, “Don’t worry, I still have that problem.”

That was just the beginning.

Afterwards, I went to Christi’s.  Ryan went home to study, but Amy and Cheryl stayed at Christi’s as well.  Our conversation had turned from youth group to…well…love.

Oh boy.

I’m not going to go into detail, but Cheryl likes this guy in forth period, Christi likes a guy from school, Amy is homeschooled so nothing going on there, and Ryan, who wasn’t there, likes some dude at her school.  Then, almost simultaneously, they said, “And Jacob, you’re in love with Ryan.”

“No I’m not, I’ve never been in love.”  I said immediately, but still had a hard time convincing myself.

“So, you’re denying it?”  Christi said.  “Ryan has told us everything!”

“But what is there to tell?  Nothing has happened?”

They obviously thought a lot had happened, but they wouldn’t tell me.

The point is, I like Ryan, she likes someone else, that person likes someone else, and so on and so on.

Rarely do two people ever like each other.

Who likes me?  Misty is the only one I can think of.  And that is a painful thought.

But this whole time, I thought I was at least somewhere in Christi and Ryan’s thoughts, but I really wasn’t.  I never was.

Someday, somehow, I feel like they will read these Books of Days and probably wonder what the heck I was thinking.

Well, I can’t go back now.  I felt that way when I was writing and maybe I didn’t understand my own feelings, but I can’t take it back now.

Christi and Ryan, if you are reading this, then please know that you helped me through my youth more than anyone else.  You were the sisters I never had.  But, don’t worry, I’m not going to get too mushy on you.  It’s just been real.

I’m sure that both of you found that perfect guy and you’re doing whatever the Lord’s will is for your life.  If you are happy, then I am happy.  Let’s just keep it at that and cherish the memories while we look forward to heaven.

I’m letting you go, even though I never had you.

Love,

Your friend forever,

Jacob

College better get here quick.

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