August 16, 1993 – Monday – 12:58 p.m.

I feel so bad.  I’m not really sure why.

I…  I don’t know, but I know that it must have something to do with Ryan.  I want so bad to get her out of my head, especially now, but I can’t.

Ugh.  Why not?  I’m lost.

I know she is my Winter Dream, but deep down, I somehow know that we will spend the rest of our lives together.  But that is impossible, right?  I know it won’t happen, but at the same time, I know it will.

I’m not making any sense, am I?  Why does this happen, why do I feel this way for her when I know that it will just hurt me in the long run?  Yet, knowing that doesn’t stop it.  It’s like I’m not in control.  I can’t remember ever feeling this way before.

It’s like my insides jumped on a roller coaster in my own stomach.  It actually feels pretty good.

But, I started this entry feeling bad?

If Ryan and I ever do become anything, which I hope not, because I know if we broke up, I wouldn’t get over it…I just need to try and forget about her.

But I don’t want to.

Will someone please tell me what is happening to me?  Please?  Maybe I should just stop writing in my journal.  Maybe that’s the problem.

Or maybe it’s happening?  What else could it be?  It has to be that.

I’m falling.  I hope it doesn’t break me.

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